What if?

What if my friends knew I was gay? What would they say if they knew I identified as Bisexual? I'd probably end up with no friends. Or associates should I say, because if they were my friends it wouldn't matter. It scares the living day out of me to even imagine telling my associates that I like girls. Or that I prefer girl on girl sex as opposed to male and female sex. Ewww....I'm sure they would mutter.

Some would even say it out loud.

But I am bisexual. I may even lean more on the lesbian side than straight. And oh the headaches and swelling this causes. Because years prior I was a straight black female living the good life.

Life changes

Too many life altering events to even find a second of the day to blog in August. So I thought I'd start over in the month of September. Sadly I've stopped attending church all together. Seems as if it will only make me more upset over a problem that right now I can't figure out how to fix. I know that He is the answers, but I'm just as stubborn as the next person. I'm not making excuses, but I am being truthful. Or at least I hope and feel that I am.

I've had the time to see myself for truly who I am. Not the person that I really feel I want or should be, but I mean I had to find some acceptance just to be able to live from day to day. I haven't lost faith, maybe just lost the will inside myself. But I have not given up hope, and I pray that I get back on track quickly.

Life is not a game, that I am sure of. I only get one life to live, and now is my biggest obstacle. I hope to conquer and destroy. To one day look back and say, I did it. I've overcome.

Breathing

Still breathing.

Entries from my journal III

I need baby girl to come back home to me. I miss her. It's making me go crazy not to be able to call her and her be at home. When I do get a chance to talk to her it's only for a short period of time. No more than two minutes. And only she can call. I've fallen into a depressive funk. We won't be able to spend this weekend together. She'll be with her family and I'll be with mine. I just want things to go back to normal. My life as I know it. Seeing baby girl when I normally see her. I just want to be with baby girl like it always is.

I'm sad. Missing her. Stressed about other things that I probably shouldn't be stressed about. Ugh, the fustration of it all

Today is

One of those days that simply can't be explained using words, or actions. It's a day where you need those you love to understand magically the feelings that you feel. For them to somehow just know, and accept. It would be a day where I need to convey my message thru "brainwaves" and not have to even try to explain verbally.

I feel as though my life is spinning out of control. As though I have no way to even stop it and gain that grasp that holds it together. I'm torn between true love that is forbidden and doing what is right. I feel I'm playing games. And I keep picking up the same pawn, moving the same amout of spaces, and then being forced to return back to start.

I want to accept Christ all over again in my life. I want to be and stay on the straight and narrow. I want that burning desire that draws me to worship and keeps me there. But sadly enough I feel the opposite right now. I feel as though I'll just be a sinner sitting in church not changing. I feel that God can't be too happy with me and I'm worshiping in vain.

I'm at a stand still in my crossroads of life. I'm hurting inside because a part of me wants to get out. But I have to hold it inside. I have to deny the exiting of this feeling. I have a wall bulit up that I can't even climb, and I don't even know if I have the equipment or mental state to even climb.

I'm struggling. I'm not able to live in this life with the "normalcy(?)" that others take for granted. And it's caused some jealously and envy in my heart that I don't even want to harbor.

Soul Searching

Glad to be back, after my "soul searching"

Here's what I learned

Bisexuality.
This is a part of me right now. And may be a part of me for the rest of my life. Two years ago I was a heterosexual woman. I cannot say whether I'll ever be that woman again, but I highly doubt it. I am a changed woman. No doubts about that. My bisexuality, as it stands right now is not something I'm up to debate about with others. In fact no knows but my mother and of course the woman I love. But only I know the extent of my attraction and feelings. I will not "come out". I do not feel that me being bisexual defines me as a person. My sexuality is mine. And so I won't make an effort to fight for the cause or "come out" and become a part of a community. Because there is more to me than my sexuality. Even as a heterosexual my sex life and love life just isn't something I just talk about openly. Do I accept it as a part of my life. I have to. In order to be at peace with self. Only so long you can fight, and deny. But again, it's not something that is going to "rule" my life. So I guess my sexuality is just between me right now, and who I choose to share it with. Which isn't many, at least not openly.

Spirtuality/Religion.
I still hold the same beliefs. That won't be changing. And do I seek change with the help of my religion, yes. I still have faith. I'm climbing a moutain and I ask God not to move the mountain, but to give me the tools and smarts necessary to climb it.

Relationship.
She'll always be my love. She'll always be my friend. I'm actually coping better. I mean we all have our days. Walk away is easy to say, but actually doing it...well. But I've taken much needed control. I do what I can handle, I keep communication flowing for our good. What will happen in the future who knows. But I do know that I will do almost anything I can to have her in my life.

Self.
I'm starting to find happiness within self. Taking time reflect and open up and come out of some denials. Smile everyday even if I have to force it.


It's been great to find the community, and be able to open up and talk, and hear and discuss. But Makai is going to be Makai. I am going to always attempt to do what is going to benefit me, without stepping on or over others to make it possible. I'm on a journey, a journey to peace of mind.

Life too often reminds me...

Of the euphoric bubble that I'm not in. Too often in this life am I now faced with the reality of never having her. The reality that we will always argue as away to deny our true feelings toward one another. Too often will I cry as I leave her and she point her head to the ground so I can't witness her tears.

I mean we go for so long, bottling our feelings up inside. Till you get to that point, where you're alone, and you no longer can contain them. So you spill em. You let the "Sh$% hit the fan" and you just decide you'll pick up and clean up later.

But how long can that contain your contentment in your mind? How long can one walk in these shoes. Trying to get back on the Christian path, but fighting so hard to not forget what love you have experienced with forbidden fruit.

Sometimes I think, what if we've all got this wrong. And God really doesn't care. But I snap back to my reality and know that that is just a way to try and justify. That would be a step in the wrong direction.

So we've been doing well. Being just friends. With hidden feelings. Denied emotions. Ties that bind that can't even be expressed. But some days you just get bloated and you have to let it all out. Or you'll explode.

So I asked her are we afraid of the truth that we know. We are. So I fight with her for some emotional tie between us. I fight because I love this woman. But I'll never have her. And her me. But she has my heart, my spirit and my mind.