Glad to be back, after my "soul searching"
Here's what I learned
This is a part of me right now. And may be a part of me for the rest of my life. Two years ago I was a heterosexual woman. I cannot say whether I'll ever be that woman again, but I highly doubt it. I am a changed woman. No doubts about that. My bisexuality, as it stands right now is not something I'm up to debate about with others. In fact no knows but my mother and of course the woman I love. But only I know the extent of my attraction and feelings. I will not "come out". I do not feel that me being bisexual defines me as a person. My sexuality is mine. And so I won't make an effort to fight for the cause or "come out" and become a part of a community. Because there is more to me than my sexuality. Even as a heterosexual my sex life and love life just isn't something I just talk about openly. Do I accept it as a part of my life. I have to. In order to be at peace with self. Only so long you can fight, and deny. But again, it's not something that is going to "rule" my life. So I guess my sexuality is just between me right now, and who I choose to share it with. Which isn't many, at least not openly.
I still hold the same beliefs. That won't be changing. And do I seek change with the help of my religion, yes. I still have faith. I'm climbing a moutain and I ask God not to move the mountain, but to give me the tools and smarts necessary to climb it.
She'll always be my love. She'll always be my friend. I'm actually coping better. I mean we all have our days. Walk away is easy to say, but actually doing it...well. But I've taken much needed control. I do what I can handle, I keep communication flowing for our good. What will happen in the future who knows. But I do know that I will do almost anything I can to have her in my life.
I'm starting to find happiness within self. Taking time reflect and open up and come out of some denials. Smile everyday even if I have to force it.
It's been great to find the community, and be able to open up and talk, and hear and discuss. But Makai is going to be Makai. I am going to always attempt to do what is going to benefit me, without stepping on or over others to make it possible. I'm on a journey, a journey to peace of mind.