Confessions of a confused Bi Girl

What if?

2006-09-16T17:54:00.000-07:00

What if my friends knew I was gay? What would they say if they knew I identified as Bisexual? I'd probably end up with no friends. Or associates should I say, because if they were my friends it wouldn't matter. It scares the living day out of me to even imagine telling my associates that I like girls. Or that I prefer girl on girl sex as opposed to male and female sex. Ewww....I'm sure they would mutter.

Some would even say it out loud.

But I am bisexual. I may even lean more on the lesbian side than straight. And oh the headaches and swelling this causes. Because years prior I was a straight black female living the good life.

Life changes

2006-09-01T07:37:00.000-07:00

Too many life altering events to even find a second of the day to blog in August. So I thought I'd start over in the month of September. Sadly I've stopped attending church all together. Seems as if it will only make me more upset over a problem that right now I can't figure out how to fix. I know that He is the answers, but I'm just as stubborn as the next person. I'm not making excuses, but I am being truthful. Or at least I hope and feel that I am.

I've had the time to see myself for truly who I am. Not the person that I really feel I want or should be, but I mean I had to find some acceptance just to be able to live from day to day. I haven't lost faith, maybe just lost the will inside myself. But I have not given up hope, and I pray that I get back on track quickly.

Life is not a game, that I am sure of. I only get one life to live, and now is my biggest obstacle. I hope to conquer and destroy. To one day look back and say, I did it. I've overcome.

Breathing

2006-07-31T08:52:00.000-07:00

Still breathing.

Entries from my journal III

2006-06-29T14:28:00.000-07:00

I need baby girl to come back home to me. I miss her. It's making me go crazy not to be able to call her and her be at home. When I do get a chance to talk to her it's only for a short period of time. No more than two minutes. And only she can call. I've fallen into a depressive funk. We won't be able to spend this weekend together. She'll be with her family and I'll be with mine. I just want things to go back to normal. My life as I know it. Seeing baby girl when I normally see her. I just want to be with baby girl like it always is.

I'm sad. Missing her. Stressed about other things that I probably shouldn't be stressed about. Ugh, the fustration of it all

Today is

2006-06-18T07:11:00.000-07:00

One of those days that simply can't be explained using words, or actions. It's a day where you need those you love to understand magically the feelings that you feel. For them to somehow just know, and accept. It would be a day where I need to convey my message thru "brainwaves" and not have to even try to explain verbally.

I feel as though my life is spinning out of control. As though I have no way to even stop it and gain that grasp that holds it together. I'm torn between true love that is forbidden and doing what is right. I feel I'm playing games. And I keep picking up the same pawn, moving the same amout of spaces, and then being forced to return back to start.

I want to accept Christ all over again in my life. I want to be and stay on the straight and narrow. I want that burning desire that draws me to worship and keeps me there. But sadly enough I feel the opposite right now. I feel as though I'll just be a sinner sitting in church not changing. I feel that God can't be too happy with me and I'm worshiping in vain.

I'm at a stand still in my crossroads of life. I'm hurting inside because a part of me wants to get out. But I have to hold it inside. I have to deny the exiting of this feeling. I have a wall bulit up that I can't even climb, and I don't even know if I have the equipment or mental state to even climb.

I'm struggling. I'm not able to live in this life with the "normalcy(?)" that others take for granted. And it's caused some jealously and envy in my heart that I don't even want to harbor.

Soul Searching

2006-06-16T08:39:00.000-07:00

Glad to be back, after my "soul searching"

Here's what I learned

Bisexuality.
This is a part of me right now. And may be a part of me for the rest of my life. Two years ago I was a heterosexual woman. I cannot say whether I'll ever be that woman again, but I highly doubt it. I am a changed woman. No doubts about that. My bisexuality, as it stands right now is not something I'm up to debate about with others. In fact no knows but my mother and of course the woman I love. But only I know the extent of my attraction and feelings. I will not "come out". I do not feel that me being bisexual defines me as a person. My sexuality is mine. And so I won't make an effort to fight for the cause or "come out" and become a part of a community. Because there is more to me than my sexuality. Even as a heterosexual my sex life and love life just isn't something I just talk about openly. Do I accept it as a part of my life. I have to. In order to be at peace with self. Only so long you can fight, and deny. But again, it's not something that is going to "rule" my life. So I guess my sexuality is just between me right now, and who I choose to share it with. Which isn't many, at least not openly.

Spirtuality/Religion.
I still hold the same beliefs. That won't be changing. And do I seek change with the help of my religion, yes. I still have faith. I'm climbing a moutain and I ask God not to move the mountain, but to give me the tools and smarts necessary to climb it.

Relationship.
She'll always be my love. She'll always be my friend. I'm actually coping better. I mean we all have our days. Walk away is easy to say, but actually doing it...well. But I've taken much needed control. I do what I can handle, I keep communication flowing for our good. What will happen in the future who knows. But I do know that I will do almost anything I can to have her in my life.

Self.
I'm starting to find happiness within self. Taking time reflect and open up and come out of some denials. Smile everyday even if I have to force it.

It's been great to find the community, and be able to open up and talk, and hear and discuss. But Makai is going to be Makai. I am going to always attempt to do what is going to benefit me, without stepping on or over others to make it possible. I'm on a journey, a journey to peace of mind.

Life too often reminds me...

2006-06-09T20:12:00.000-07:00

Of the euphoric bubble that I'm not in. Too often in this life am I now faced with the reality of never having her. The reality that we will always argue as away to deny our true feelings toward one another. Too often will I cry as I leave her and she point her head to the ground so I can't witness her tears.

I mean we go for so long, bottling our feelings up inside. Till you get to that point, where you're alone, and you no longer can contain them. So you spill em. You let the "Sh$% hit the fan" and you just decide you'll pick up and clean up later.

But how long can that contain your contentment in your mind? How long can one walk in these shoes. Trying to get back on the Christian path, but fighting so hard to not forget what love you have experienced with forbidden fruit.

Sometimes I think, what if we've all got this wrong. And God really doesn't care. But I snap back to my reality and know that that is just a way to try and justify. That would be a step in the wrong direction.

So we've been doing well. Being just friends. With hidden feelings. Denied emotions. Ties that bind that can't even be expressed. But some days you just get bloated and you have to let it all out. Or you'll explode.

So I asked her are we afraid of the truth that we know. We are. So I fight with her for some emotional tie between us. I fight because I love this woman. But I'll never have her. And her me. But she has my heart, my spirit and my mind.

Some days...

2006-06-01T07:32:00.000-07:00

It doesn't even seem worth it to make the effort to get up and go about the day. I'm overwhelmed with emotions and turmoil.

Too often does it become unbearable to know that you'll never kiss the lips of the one you love ever again, even though those sweet lips will continue to talk to you day after day.

I watch couples. "Normal" couples, you know the heterosexual ones. And I envy them. Envy them because they can be open. Envy them because God doesn't look down on their relationship and frown. Seeing as to they aren't living in fornication or whatnot.

But I on the other hand, I'm expected to enter into a "normal" relationship. And deny the one person I love so dearly. So at night I cry. I cry alone. Because I cannot call "baby girl" and burden her with my sadness. It just wouldn't be fair.

She doesn't always call me with hers. We deal and move on. But to deny and deny and yet be so involved as friends is one of the most difficult tasks I've ever set out to accomplish.

Oh the day when I can put this behind me. If ever. And move forward to safer and happier pastures. I'm hoping and wishing and praying. Daily.

Communication

2006-05-21T06:07:00.000-07:00

As long as the communication lines were open we were fine.

It's not till others start to flood and cut our communications lines that we begin to argue. Others want to manipulate and decieve us into not being able to communicate.

They succeed way to often. They are clever in their ways. But no longer shall I let them control the situtation.

All will be put "on the table" and I'll hold nothing back. Just fight fire with fire. And I'm okay with that. I'm prepared.

It's annoying me and it's hurting my relationship with "Baby Girl". And no one will get the chance to do that.

Especially not for their own selfish gain and satisfaction. I'm aware now. And I'm ready to go to war.

Why confusion?

2006-05-18T05:12:00.000-07:00

Someone asked me why the confusion.

I guess they "assumed" I was saying I was confused because I'm bisexual. Yes and No. Heck I'm confused most of the time just from being an adult, and sometimes not knowing what to do. Just a part of life I suppose.

As far as being "confused" on my sexuality, where it's really something when for 23 years of your life you've only identified yourself as heterosexual. And never even glanced at another woman in that way. And then one day, just out of pure coincidence, you ~~fall~~ grow in love with your new best friend. A girl.

I mean and you become touch feely with a girl. Months later you wouldn't have dared touch and play around with a female, let alone your best friend.

So that's why its confusing. You are taught so long that it's wrong to have SSA, yet wow here you are having those feelings, strong intense, true feelings. You become double minded and want to love and want to cease. Well I mean thats just confusion.

I'm a different woman than I was a year and a half ago. I just will never be the same. And I'm not saying it's a bad thing, but a ver unexpected thing.

You never know the struggles and truths of someone's life until you walk in not their shoes, but in your own, and similar experiences.

So that's why I'm confused, because it snuck up on me, and I'm still looking puzzled

1:09 PM

2006-05-17T11:14:00.000-07:00

From my journal:

I'm thinking why has she not called? She said she would call. I've been numb in a bubble all morning and I have yet to hear from "Baby Girl". Where are you?

Is everythig okay? I dare not call again only to be fustrated at the answering machine that doesn't even have your voice.

I'm missing you. I need ~~want~~ to talk to you.

Please hurry.

~~Edit~~ Update: I just called her car phone. She's just making it from the doctor. She'll call when she gets home, she was right at her exit. Sigh of relief
-1:16PM

Scale

2006-05-17T08:06:00.000-07:00

Klein Sexual Orientation Grid

I scored an average of 2.14

Heterosexual

Bisexual

Homosexual

Meaning

This result can also be related to the Kinsey Scale:

0 = exclusively heterosexual
1 = predominantly heterosexual, incidentally homosexual
2 = predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual
3 = equally heterosexual and homosexual
4 = predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally heterosexual
5 = predominantly homosexual, incidentally heterosexual
6 = exclusively homosexual

Summary

The idea of this excercise is to understand exactly how dynamic a person's sexual orientation can be, as well as how fluid it can be over a person's lifespan. While a person's number of actual homo/heterosexual encounters may be easy to categorize, their actual orientation may be completely different. Simple labels like "homosexual", "heterosexual", and "bisexual" need not be the only three options available to us.

Take the quiz

Interesting...and yes I am bored

2006-05-17T08:03:00.000-07:00

The Multidimensional Scale of Sexuality

According to my answers, it is likely that I identify as
Homosexual with some heterosexuality
or equally,
Sequential bisexual.

Complete set of results

Homosexual with some heterosexuality:		4
Sequential bisexual:		4
Past heterosexual, currently homosexual:		3
Concurrent bisexual:		2
Heterosexual:		2
Heterosexual with some homosexuality:		1
Asexual:		0
Homosexual:		0
Past homosexual, currently heterosexual:		0

Information

The Multidimensional Scale of Sexuality was devised by Larry Kurdek, B. Berkey and T. Perelman-Hall. It is an extension of the Klein Sexual Orientation Grid, recognising that sexual identities can change over time, people can identify with more than one sexual identity, and that asexuality is a valid sexual identity. The Multidimensional Scale of Sexuality was published in the "Journal of Homosexuality" in 1990.

Take the quiz

Oh...

2006-05-17T07:55:00.000-07:00

You are 55% Bisexual

You are bisexual. For you, sex is about having fun and the sex of your partner is of no consequence to you. You probably have a little bit of a preference either way, but you don’t let that slow you down.

Take this quiz at QuizUniverse.com

Gay-O-Meter

2006-05-17T06:56:00.000-07:00

According to this I am 46% gay.

It said

"You're very open-minded between the sheets and just as balanced when out on the streets!"

...interesting.

Surreal

2006-05-17T06:31:00.000-07:00

"Baby Girl" and I have come to a better understanding. We are doing much better. Life is less stressful. We are laughing like we once did, smiling and enjoying one another.

I see that without the influence of others she and I can make it okay. We love one another deeply. And it's something that those around us either have to accept or deal with. But no longer can they "pit" us against one another. Or request and suggest what they feel we should do.

We must do, and are doing what works for us. We have made a sacrifice. So that we can both do what is right, and be closer to Him. That alone is a struggle within it's self. A conscience effort that we must deal with daily. How dare people judge and demand things from us.

How dare anyone speak our sins when they have their own to handle.

But God knows. He know our hearts. He knows our struggles. And it's Him that I must answer to. And only him.

I love "Baby Girl", and I always will. I choose to love her. I can't help but love her.

Threesome

2006-05-16T05:28:00.000-07:00

It's like being exploited. But getting "paid."

I told myself I would never fall victim again. And I haven't. That time last year, it was random, it did "just" happen. But I've made conscience decision never to do it again.

I succeeded in sticking with my plan. I didn't let it happen. I stayed away. I conquered. And I'm proud.

It feels good to be successful.

I still want her. Only her. Alone. She and I.

There's no denying.

Entries from my journal II

2006-05-11T08:34:00.000-07:00

11 May 2006

Do you know what it's like to wake up and instantly be drawn to the one you love? To automatically think about how much you miss them, want them and only want to spend every waking moment with them? My heart is pulling me in that direction. Only one way I want to go, and that is where she is. Bask in her presence. Let time stop for just a short while, so one can remember and never forget the love we once shared.

8 May 2006

Feels like forever and 72 days. I miss her. But the more in depth I think about her and her actions and words the more I know I must keep doing what I'm doing.

7 May 2006

In order to keep "sane" I'll continue to write. She is who I would talk to at this time. Laugh with and enjoy. But no more, no longer. And it's killing me inside. All I can do to keep my mind going is trying to read. Trying to forget. Hoping to focus. I need someone to talk to. She is whom I shared a lot of conversation with. How does one go about that change? I'm dying inside. But after my complete death will there be a new birth? I hope so.

7:30 on a Sunday

2006-05-07T17:31:00.000-07:00

It's starting to get a bit unbearable.

I haven't talked to anyone all day long. I got one phone call, it was short, and informative.

I need her. Or at least I want her. It's boarding depression.

I'm sad either way. Why is this the better option?

I won't call. I won't make contact. Not intentionally.

I need someone to talk to. She was that person. The one person who understood. Or at least seemed as if she did.

I'm sad. I want this day to be over. And soon.

I'm writing you a four page letter...

2006-05-07T11:51:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we called one another, back and forth.

Last call, she rang me. I said I couldn't speak. That I wasn't doing well. That I couldn't cope any longer. She said she would give me that space.

Today I sat down and wrote her a four page letter. Signed, sealed and delivered at noon today. Sure she won't get home till three.

All my thoughts. Feelings. Hurt and Pain I put into that letter.

I can no longer take it. I must move on. Away from her. Away from my love. Because I'm tired of hurting her and being hurt.

And so I leave...

2006-05-06T18:31:00.000-07:00

In all of life's loney dispair there is a woman there who fills my heart with joy. She beholds all the beauty that one could only dream of. Her eyes are as gold and her touch as soft as silk. Her words echo the sweet sounds of birds singing in the Spring. She is optimum she is grand. She holds in her truth and devotion. Like the sky above she lingers over and comforts you with her tears, and draws you near with her laughter. She is as wonderful as the day is blessed.

Her song is a harp of a fine mealody. Ony she can profess to one the image of perfection. And she loves. Oh, she loves. As sweet as honey and as tasty as exotic fruit, her beauty is immeasurable, delightful and complete. Her kiss is as warm water on the feet of babes and her smile is just as inviting. Her laughter is so sweet yet can be sometimes bitter.

But still her attitude is humble. I love this woman. She is my everything. But this woman is too complete for me and I'm still unassembled. But my heart shall tarry near, and remember her beautiful face. Never to forget her spirit. Or her simple grace.

A letter I wrote to "her", maybe my last

I feel that I can no longer take it. The position I'm inl. The hurt that I feel. The sadness that sings in my heart. It's all overwheming. I'm slowly sinking. And I've got a lot to deal with. It goes so deep, and so far. I don't even know where to begin.

I hope God will see and know my sincerity, and answer my prayers.

Over?

2006-05-06T05:22:00.000-07:00

I don't see how she and I can be friends. Not anymore. It started off as a friendship, progressed into more, and now it's impossible to be just friends.

So I lose my lover and my friend. I don't see how one could expect another to support a relationship when as posted in my comments for the last post, you feel it ought to be you that they are in a relationship with.

She has taken 100% of herself away from me. And am I supposed to smile and be happy about that. No, I'm devestated.

She was my everything. I love her. Period. No more and no less than the next person.

Yet I'm supposed to have this remarkable strength where I can just say "go forth and be with someone else," and I'll act as if we have no history and just be your friend.

Impossible.

So since I can't be her friend. I won't be. [Don't confuse my can't with me not wanting to be.] Because if I could take a pill today, and all my feeling for her in "that" way were able to cease and I could just be her friend, I would take 12 of them.

It's too much. Too much for one to take. And I don't deserve it. And I'm tired of the crying, the hurt, the pain. Damnit I hope this time I can really move on. And stay gone.

I'm tired of hurting. Tired of being flexible. Tired of where I am in my life. Tired of the pain.

Entries from my journal

2006-05-05T09:49:00.000-07:00

I am going to just share some of my various journal entries. No specific order, nor in there entirety(sp?).

April 18, 2006

She spoke to me like she still loved me, wanted me, needed me. Today was just a day. How it used to be

April 16, 2006

Love comes and love goes. But some love is meant to dwell in your life. She's my dwelling love. My true love. My only love.

April 26, 2006

I'm lost for words. She called. I said little, she said less. That was it. Not much to/can be said at this point. I pull some trust from her. It huts so bad. I've been lied to, and for so long. Words, actions really can't explain. But I guess it's my own fault. Who else can I blame for truth?

May 2, 2006

Goodness I'm so torn. Torn between my true love and doing what is best and right. And what makes it so hard at times is when I get the judgemental feedback from those around her. I don't know why it bothers me at all. But words do hurt. Period.

May 2, 2006

I'm so much at at a point in my life where I don't want to be, that it's almost impossible to find contenment. Want to move on. Get pass this last year of my life. Progress. Grow

Day II

2006-05-01T19:38:00.000-07:00

I really don't have much to say on this evening. But things are going better than they had been the following week. This week she will be preoccupied with church activities so I'll be at home wishing I could recieve a phone call from her. But surely I can make it thru one week without being on the phone with her at night. I'm sure she'll also be tired when she gets home, so I don't really expect to speak with her much at all this week.

Maybe, if I can scrap up some $$ we can enjoy this weekend doing something. Maybe rent some movies, go for a swim or something.

In addition to writing this blog, which I will do my best to keep up, I've started writing daily or at least semi-daily in my journal. I want to be able to look back in a year and hopefully see some progression. How much I'm not sure. But at least a little growth.

I'm staring at her picture now, looking at a card she gave me for valentine. That woman. That sweet dear woman. She is my love. My heart. My everything. But in this lifetime, she was not meant to be mine. And that is a harsh reality. Hard concept to swallow and digest.

I pray that we can stand solid on a friendship like we once did. I cannot see my life without this person. And frankly I'll do all in my power to keep her a constant in it. I just love her dearly. Is that so wrong? Maybe it is. But gosh, what is one to do?

Day I, Introduction

2006-04-30T15:20:00.000-07:00

Let me first begin by introducing myself. My name is Makai. I am bisexual/bicurious/trying to figure it all out. Up until a year ago I was a complete "normal" straight gal. Today, well I'm not sure where or what category I fall into. I am a Christian who holds her spirituality above all else. I believe in God, and his son Christ Jesus. I adhere to his Word. I'm rooted in the morals of the teachings of the Bible. All of them.

I have never condemed homosexuality, nor condoned it. I always felt, and to this day have always felt that I am in no position to judge. I pray this is a concept that many will let enter into their hearts.

All my years of living I've identified with being heterosexual. Never looked twice at a woman. Not in a sexual manner. A year ago my life changed forever. I met a woman. I ~~fell~~ grew in love with this woman. And today I'm trying to "get it right" and do what's right.

I have a new outlook at homosexuality. I am in a position that I never could have imagined myself to be. I'm not saint, just a sinner like the next person. I've been judged, hated and scorned. I've cried more than my share of tears. This has been a journey like none other. One I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

I've had my morals challenged, my sexuality questioned and my thoughts put to the test.

I started this blog to share. To connect with others who are going thru the same struggle as I. Who knows the path of a double mind. One's who want to do what is right. Find peace. And be at ease.

This is my story...